The story opens in a very white space, not quite reality and not quite a dream. You come to realize that Bren, a young boy of 8 or 9, has been hit by a car and is in a coma. Bren searches his subconscious for answers to his questions like: "Where am I? Why am I here?" He physically walks around in his mind trying to find an exit.
He starts to realize that he was hit by a car, memories begin to come back. He now asks questions like: "Who hit me? Why did they hit me?" All the while he searches for an escape from this subconscious wasteland. The last thing he can remember is his sister obnoxiously humming "Here comes the Sun". He remembers that she was trying immensely hard to annoy him while he was playing ball in the middle of the street like the boys in his neighborhood did every Saturday.
Bren turns around a corner and finds the man who hit him. The man explains that he was driving down a residential street and was not paying attention to the children playing in the road. The man tells Bren that he's devastated. He feels more than awful and that the experience has changed his whole life. Bren accepts his apology and the man disappears. Even then, he can't seem to escape.
He thinks about his life before this ordeal. He remembers playing alone on the playground. He remembers coming home to find his parents fighting while his sisters pretend not to notice.
His vision de-fogs slightly and he can see his parents and his sisters in the hospital waiting room all hugging and crying. He never knew they cared at all for him. He thought they might be better off without him. But now that he sees them and the reality of how much they actually care, he gains strength. A door appears in front of him in the fog. He unlatches it and walks through. "Here comes the sun, doo doo doo doo, here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright..." can be heard softly in the distance.
-Clare Davis
This sounds really good! I like the uncertainty of it, maybe you could build on that and use it in your ending--like maybe the story ends just as he's about to open the door...
ReplyDeleteOh wow thanks, that's a really good idea!
ReplyDeletedude this is hella good. i like how it's not like in actual time but all in the brain. super creative ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Clare,
ReplyDeleteI really like the way this story occurs in the space between life and death, consciousness and unconsciousness. The scene between Bren and the man who hit him is emotionally heavy, yet touching and the use of the song "Here Comes the Sun" is also a nice touch. I think tone will be really important in this story. You will need to decide what mood you want to strike and the language you use (poetic, straight-forward, etc...) will play a big role in this. I suggest that you add a few additional details from the life that Bren is flashing back on to help the reader experience him as a unique character. Perhaps an inside joke the family had or a vacation they took every year.
Good job!
Ms. Mason